But I was mad for
health, and dying for life; knowing what evil thing I was, but not
knowing what good thing I was so shortly to become.
I fled into the garden, with Alypius following step by step;
for I had no secret in which he did not share, and how could he
leave me in such distress? We sat down, as far from the house as
possible. I was greatly disturbed in spirit, angry at myself with
a turbulent indignation because I had not entered thy will and
covenant, O my God, while all my bones cried out to me to enter,
extolling it to the skies. The way therein is not by ships or
chariots or feet -- indeed it was not as far as I had come from
the house to the place where we were seated. For to go along that
road and indeed to reach the goal is nothing else but the will to
go. But it must be a strong and single will, not staggering and
swaying about this way and that -- a changeable, twisting,
fluctuating will, wrestling with itself while one part falls as
another rises.
20. Finally, in the very fever of my indecision, I made many
motions with my body; like men do when they will to act but
cannot, either because they do not have the limbs or because their
limbs are bound or weakened by disease, or incapacitated in some
other way.
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