I even
imagined that it would suddenly annihilate all men, since it had
had such a power over him. This is the way I remember it was with
me.
Look into my heart, O God! Behold and look deep within me,
for I remember it well, O my Hope who cleansest me from the
uncleanness of such affections, directing my eyes toward thee and
plucking my feet out of the snare. And I marveled that other
mortals went on living since he whom I had loved as if he would
never die was now dead. And I marveled all the more that I, who
had been a second self to him, could go on living when he was
dead. Someone spoke rightly of his friend as being "his soul's
other half"[98] -- for I felt that my soul and his soul were but
one soul in two bodies. Consequently, my life was now a horror to
me because I did not want to live as a half self. But it may have
been that I was afraid to die, lest he should then die wholly whom
I had so greatly loved.
CHAPTER VII
12. O madness that knows not how to love men as they should
be loved! O foolish man that I was then, enduring with so much
rebellion the lot of every man! Thus I fretted, sighed, wept,
tormented myself, and took neither rest nor counsel, for I was
dragging around my torn and bloody soul.
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