30. These were the customs in the midst of which I was cast,
an unhappy boy. This was the wrestling arena in which I was more
fearful of perpetrating a barbarism than, having done so, of
envying those who had not. These things I declare and confess to
thee, my God. I was applauded by those whom I then thought it my
whole duty to please, for I did not perceive the gulf of infamy
wherein I was cast away from thy eyes.
For in thy eyes, what was more infamous than I was already,
since I displeased even my own kind and deceived, with endless
lies, my tutor, my masters and parents -- all from a love of play,
a craving for frivolous spectacles, a stage-struck restlessness to
imitate what I saw in these shows? I pilfered from my parents'
cellar and table, sometimes driven by gluttony, sometimes just to
have something to give to other boys in exchange for their
baubles, which they were prepared to sell even though they liked
them as well as I. Moreover, in this kind of play, I often sought
dishonest victories, being myself conquered by the vain desire for
pre-eminence. And what was I so unwilling to endure, and what was
it that I censured so violently when I caught anyone, except the
very things I did to others? And, when I was myself detected and
censured, I preferred to quarrel rather than to yield.
Pages:
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71